Reasons I Can’t Make it to Your Well-Meaning-Yet-Surprisingly-Draining Online Gathering

Reasons I Can’t Make it to Your Well-Meaning-Yet-Surprisingly-Draining Online Gathering

I’m so sorry I have to miss your Zoom party, but I can’t tell what’s even real anymore. You aren’t really going to want me there anyway. Hey, do you still have that Klonopin? Could you leave it in my mailbox?

I’m sorry. I already had my work’s Virtual Happy Hour. I am literally way too drunk to talk to anyone again today. Especially if your grandma is gonna be there. Tell Nana hi? She’s ok, right? Keep her inside.
 
I can’t, I’m washing my hands. Again.
 
I am so sorry I have to miss your Zoom thing but it conflicts with Jordan’s comedy performance on Twitch and Scottie’s 5- Rhythms dance class (Burning Man was cancelled this year and she is just bugging rn) as it is I just feel so much FOMO. How am I busier than when I was busy?  Namaste. See you at Farrah’s Facebook live Meditation?
 
Thanks for the invite, but I gotta skip it. That’s the exact hour, minute, second, Venus-rising I have to scream into the existential void. Next time?
 
Not a chance. I hated going to things when I could go to things. I do not now wish to go to more things especially if they are not even really things. FML
 
Yo, I’d come. But I noticed you invited Tina. Screw that.
 
Ugh, I have to miss your Zoom. I am too busy tending to my already unvaccinated children who are also dealing with the measles AND typhoid. Big Bummer. Who knew there would be another disease to worry about? What a time to be alive. 
 
I’m gonna have to miss. If I don’t charge my crystals then I just know my entire immune system is going to crash. Can you schedule the next one when there isn’t a full moon? Also, did you see the link I sent you about Elderberry?

#Sorrynotsorry I can’t come to your online livestream. For what it’s worth your narcissism was annoying in real life but now, somehow, it’s worse. Maybe it’s the Global Pandemic. Dunno. :)

Thanks for the Invite but I have my family’s Zoom seder that night. I’m in charge of the soft matzah and I have to hold it up to the camera. Dayenu.

Melissa D Shaw

Melissa D Shaw

Melissa Shaw mostly toggles between sage advice and not knowing what the hell is going on. Her work has appeared in HeyAlma, on Medium and her autobiographical essay The Rabbi's Pants will be included in the forth coming Lyrics, Lit and Liquor anthology due out at the end of the Pandemic.

Melissa Shaw mostly toggles between sage advice and not knowing what the hell is going on. Her work has appeared in HeyAlma, on Medium and her autobiographical essay The Rabbi's Pants will be included in the forth coming Lyrics, Lit and Liquor anthology due out at the end of the Pandemic.

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